


I'm A Ruin

by abdicatedempress



Category: Cucumber | Banana | Tofu (TV)
Genre: M/M, Self-Hatred, Songfic, hypersexuality, technically
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-27
Updated: 2015-05-27
Packaged: 2018-04-01 11:48:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 999
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4018612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/abdicatedempress/pseuds/abdicatedempress
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Doesn't Josh know Freddie is just going to ruin him?</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm A Ruin

**Author's Note:**

> Don't listen to Marina and the Diamonds when you're in an angsty writing mood.  
> Josh is autistic, Freddie is hypersexual due to trauma, Freddie hates himself, Josh loves Freddie.

“Why did you text me?” Freddie asked, staring at the boy in front of him. He knew why; Josh had wanted to get coffee with him. But something didn’t add up to the blonde boy. Why would Josh ask him out? Freddie had made it clear he wasn’t interested, and yet only a month later Josh was back.

“Well, I thought we had fun together?” Josh squirmed under Freddie’s gaze, and he tapped his fingers on the table. “Thought maybe we could have fun with some uh, some coffee.”

Dean’s words rang in Freddie’s ears. ‘He just keeps hanging on.’ And Dean was right. Josh was hanging on, and it was getting harder for Freddie to say no.

Who was he kidding? He didn’t want to say no. But Josh didn’t deserve this mess.  
Josh was sipping his coffee while Freddie stared ahead vacantly, thinking. Freddie finally looked up and Josh nearly dropped his cup.

“You don’t want me, you know,” Freddie said. “You want the idea of me. I’m not. I’m not what you met, alright?” Josh perked up at Freddie’s words, and the interest in the conversation caused the blonde to blush. He didn’t much like talking about himself, let alone parts of himself he tried to hide. But this kid was rapt with attention.

When Freddie didn’t continue, Josh decided to press.

“What do you mean? I met a nice guy and had a fun time with him.”

“Listen, I’m not some. Nice guy. I’m..” Freddie looked away, thinking. He sighed, shaking his head. “I’m a ruin, Josh. I’ll ruin your life. You don’t deserve that.”

Josh tilted his head, his mouth quirked in an odd smile. He looked in disbelief at Freddie.

“What are you talking about? Gosh, you’re crazy, Freddie. Nothing you could do could ruin my life.” And he laughed at the thought, shrugging. The laugh died down when he saw the serious look on Freddie’s face, the pained expression. “I mean it. You uh. You helped me a lot you know. And hey! I think you deserve some help back.”

Freddie looked back at Josh, frowning. “I deserve some help back?” he repeated.

Josh nodded eagerly, standing up. He practically grabbed Freddie’s hand, tugging him up.

“Come on! Let’s go to my flat. We can talk. You know, less awkward in public.”

“Josh,” Freddie interrupted, standing his ground. Maybe talking loudly in a coffee shop was awkward, but he had to stop this. “Josh, I don’t want to lead you on. I’m not alright; I’m not good boyfriend material. I’m not good, alright? Just because you’re easy to love doesn’t mean I will be.”

The quirked grin was back on Josh’s face, and Freddie squirmed. The redhead was adorable; Freddie hated it. It made rejecting him so difficult.

“Well I already really like you, so that was pretty easy,” Josh replied, shrugging. Freddie practically groaned, wishing he could make Josh understand. “Uh, I don’t know what you think is wrong with you, but I don’t see anything? I see a nice guy who made me feel good and I want to make him feel good.”

Freddie stared at Josh. It had been getting annoying, trying to tell Josh that he wouldn’t be good for him, but Josh was so persistent. It was cute and endearing. Maybe he really meant it. Freddie eventually sighed and nodded.

“Alright. To your flat.”

Josh bounced when Freddie agreed, and tugged him out of the coffee shop. They walked in silence, Josh smiling away. Freddie wanted to smile, but it was so hard. He was scared that he was going to end up hurting Josh. He didn’t want that. Josh was so happy and bright, he didn’t deserve to have his light diminished because Freddie was broken.

Josh worked hard on getting Freddie comfortable in his flat, talking on about how he was sorry it was so small, how he had some drinks if he was thirsty, how they could order take away later if he wanted. Freddie was practically breaking when Josh finally sat back down with him.

“Why are you doing this?” Freddie asked.

“Doing what?”

“Wanting me so bad.”

“I’m not doing anything, Fred. Just being myself?” Josh was frowning now, and Freddie could almost feel his heart crack.

“Josh, you don’t want me. I mean. You shouldn’t want me. We met at a bar, we fucked, and I told you to leave me alone. Shouldn’t that make you hate me?”

The redhead simply shrugged, and Freddie groaned out loud.

“Doesn’t that give you any indication on who I am as a person? Not a good one, Josh.”

“Freddie, I-..”

“I don’t want to get all sob story-ish over here, but I’m just. Not a good person.”

“Freddie-..”

“I just fuck people and leave them and Henry said I must be afraid of commitment and maybe that’s true? I’ve been hurt, I hate saying it but it’s true so maybe I am scared of commitment.”

“Fred.”

“I just don’t want my problems to hurt you. I don’t want to ruin y-..”

This time Freddie was interrupted by Josh pressing his lips to his. The blonde almost pulled back, but Josh felt so nice against him. He reluctantly sank into the kiss, fingers automatically going up to curl into his red hair.

After a few moments, the two parted, but Josh quickly pressed a finger to Freddie’s lips.

“I don’t know what happened to you in the past, but it doesn’t mean I have to dislike you,” Josh said. “If um. If you do want me. We can make things work?”

The two stared at each other in silence, before Freddie slowly moved towards Josh. The blonde boy hugged onto him tightly, nodding in silence. He wanted Josh, and while he was still terrified of hurting him, maybe Josh was right. They could make things work.  
Josh simply smiled and patted Freddie’s back.

“Well, alright then. How about some take away? I know I’m starved.”


End file.
